Jane Wharam on......

Turning Regret Into Hope

Two things recently have caused me to reflect on past actions that have led to what could be viewed as negative outcomes but, instead of wringing my hands over them, I have resolved to use the experiences to behave better and more effectively in the future.

The first was dinner with a friend, when I mentioned that the day would have been my 30th wedding anniversary, had we not split up just before the end of the 22nd year.  My friend asked me what I had learned from my long marriage and subsequent divorce. I replied that I had learned to be kinder and more tolerant of a 'significant other' and friends in general and that the years on my own had shown me my inner strength and more about what makes me tick.  I certainly now know what I would and wouldn't do in a relationship to help make it work.

The other was an event I organised with some other people that could have been more successful in my eyes; although it was proftable and well-attended, it didn't make the target I had set myself and, probably only according to me, should have been 'bigger and better'.  But what I learned from that is how to work together in a team - not easy for someone who has a tendency towards benign dictatorship! - how to recognise my weaknesses and not to set myself silly targets.

I suppose that both events gave me more of an insight into how my brain works and where I should push myself and where I should cut myself some slack.

Both sets of reflections have given me hope for the future, so should my next soulmate ever appear, I am inclined to believe that the relationship stands a chance of working, and armed with the self-knowledge I have gained from the recent event, the next one will indeed be even bigger and better. Both outcomes will certainly be welcome.

 

Didn't She Do Well?

Sorry to plagiarise Brucie, but the phrase sprang to mind when I was talking to someone the other day and they were comparing themselves to friends, who were, apparently, richer and more successful in every way than the speaker.  By comparison, the speaker said, she felt a failure.

But what about everything you have achieved, I asked?  And believe me, the list is impressive, although perhap more spiritually and emotionally than in terms of money.  Grudgingly at first, the speaker started to think about the things she's overcome to get to where she is now, which by many standards is a pretty good place to be, and, by the end of our chat, was positively proud of what she'd accomplished.

However, thinking about it, I've realised that I'm as guilty as anyone of belittling my achievements to myself.  Because I haven't done something perfectly, I don't see that what I have accomplished is pretty good, on balance, and that I can't expect miracles overnight.  In fact, I'm my own worst critic.

So how do I stop the nagging voice in my head when it tells me that I'm a failure because I don't live in a big house and drive an expensive car?  One way is to list what I've achieved, often in dfficult circumstances and another is to treat myself as if I were a friend and remind myself that I would never speak to anyone else in such negative terms, so why do I treat myself so badly?

From now on, when I find myself giving me a hard time, I'm going to turn the situation on its head and list the things I've done rather than the things I haven't. I'll congratulate myself for things I've done well and learn from things I might have done better and I'll stop giving mysef ridiculous expectations and deadlines.

And if I don't succeed in doing that every single time, I won't beat myself up about it...