Jane Wharam on......

Oh, happy! I remember that.....

Those immortal lines coming from an episode of Fawlty Towers, of course, when Basil appeared to be harking back to a time - presumably pre-Sybil - when he had been happy; the implication being that her presence prevented him from being happy now.  But, while we laughed at the idiotic Basil and his ranting, pompous hapless antics, we didn't seem to notice that he epitomised a way of being exhibited by many of us- i.e. that his mood or well-being was a direct reaction to the mood or actions of someone else. Which is a shame.

A friend called me the other day to say that she is reading my book 'Emotional Intelligence: Journey to the Centre of Your Self' and had been aware of a light bulb moment' when reading page 56, (yes, she could name the page, which is more than I could!) where I say that 'if you push the responsibility for an action onto the other person, then you aren't taking control and you can't be free.' What I was talking about was the choice we all have to take control of our own moods and emotions. Take responsibility for how you feel.  Yes, someone else's words and actions might be unkind but that doesn't necessarily mean that you should feel upset or angry.  You can choose to feel those things but it's not compulsory.

So, feel the happiness welling up from inside yourself, not flowing from someone else.  They're them and you're you and however close you are to them, you can't be them, nor should you allow them to control how you feel.  If some people bring you down, avoid them.  If you live with them go for a walk or think about how much you want that situation to continue.  Seek out the company of people who allow you to be and don't try and impose their own black moods on you.  Make 'happy' your current choice, not a distant memory.

 

 

Bedbugs Not Biting

Being in bed with a bug (well, there's no accounting for taste!) but being on the mend, so I'm able to do stuff, I thought I'd tidy up my blogging activity and have been messing about with rss feeds and the like.  Having now given myself back the headache I thought I'd lost, I've finally managed to accomplish one of the tasks I set myself - linking to my author profile on Amazon.  However, being somewhat cynical of my technical accomplishments, I thought I'd practise with a previous post and then go and check.

So, here's what I wrote on December 29th 2009 about New Year's Eve, as I thought the timing was apt for now.  I still hold with what I wrote then - in fact, I wrote a very similar mail to a friend just the other day - but would like to report that 2010 was pretty good.  Let's hope that I'll be writing with as much affection about the year this time next January....

'Certain friends are concerned that I want to spend New Year’s Eve on my own at home and I have to say that, up until fairly recently I would have been equally dismayed at the thought of someone I cared about being alone on the 31^st December.  In the frantic past I have hosted parties and dinners, been to glitzy events and spent the time à deux; all of these have been appropriate to the time and situation I was in and I’ve pretty much enjoyed all of them. Since I’ve been on my own, I have actively sought company on this special evening, as to be alone would have seemed a sign that I was Billy No Mates!  The thought of being purely in my own company on that date has filled me with horror, as I’ve always been keen on symbolism and had more than a whiff of superstition about it – if I’m alone on the cusp of the new year, does it mean that I’ll be alone for the whole 365 days?  However, I’ve finally come to realise that, firstly, I am never alone in the spiritual sense of the word, and secondly, like Christmas, New Year is a man-made date, which merely puts a mark in the sand.  It’s a needed period, and has a special time in every religion from Judaism to Wicca, as we all ought to reflect on what’s gone on in our lives and why and visualise what is to come. 

 Having started with friends, I like to think about who has come and gone in the past year.  Some, like Mervyn, Jeff and Jack are no longer of this world but in their time in my life, they played an important part and will always be in my heart.  Others are friends who loomed large for a long time, but now seem to have melted away. They may return, they may not but I will spend some time that evening thinking of their contribution to where I am now and what lessons I have learned from their presence – and absence – in my life.  Then there are the newcomers, who seem to have been many this year, probably because I have finally opened up to the endless possibilities life has to offer.  I am sure that some of these friendships will endure for the rest of my days here, whereas others will only walk alongside long enough for me to work out why they came and then move on.  Some offer simple pleasures, some are complicated and their important presence will take more working out but all the relationships will be fascinating and will help me to understand myself better.

 Which brings me back to my own company and the title of this piece; it’s all a matter of timing.  This New Year’s Eve there are invitations I would have loved, which haven’t materialised and invitations I have had which don’t fit with my current mindset.  It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with these friends – and I am blessed that I have had many from people I consider to be important players in my life – It’s just that I actively want to spend time with me on December 31^st.  I want to get to know myself even better so that, in 2010, I can be a better and stronger friend to my fellow players and myself.

 Happy New Year to everyone; may you do what you love and love what you do and may you get to know and understand yourself better so that you can be happy with your choices and, if not, change them or change the way you look at them. Remember that the only person who is with you all the time is you, so get to know and love yourself and then everything else will fall into place.'

 

 

Relatively Speaking

It was announced with great fanfare on the radio earlier that it was 11.11 on 1/1/11 but then I realised that, at that moment, it only was to those of us in the GMT zone.  In Europe it was an hour later and in other parts of the world it wasn’t even the same day.  So, it would appear that events have greater or lesser magnitude depending on where you are.

 I’ve often thought of this in terms of events.  In an accident, for example, the person trapped in a car wreck views the situation in a very different way from the fireman cutting her free, even though both understand the seriousness of the situation.  And the person who is held up because of the accident is merely irritated at being late for an appointment.

 So it is with any situation.  To the one trapped the accident is life-changing, to the rescuer it’s another day at ‘the office’ and to the person in the jam it’s a delay on their way to work, which barely scratches their perception.  Same event, different points of view.

 In the heat of the moment, it’s not possible for the person at the sharp end to think about her situation from any other viewpoint.  But that may come later.  However the other protagonists can and should look at things from a different perspective.  In any fraught situation, try and take a step back and ask yourself ‘how important is this, really?’  And if you’re not the one in the wreckage, count yourself lucky. 

 

Objectively Resolute

Whenever I have the ‘what do I do now?’ question buzzing around in my head, I consult a very wise friend of mine, who usually answers with ‘what’s your objective?’  Then, when I remember what my objective actually is, it acts as a sort of path finder in the trees, enabling me to see the wood….

 One problem with objectives though is that, over time, they can easily be confused with aims.  An objective is ‘a thing aimed at or sought; a goal’, whereas an aim is a purpose or intention.  Now you may think that there’s not a huge disparity between those definitions but, in fact, the differences are huge.

 If you think of it in terms of weight loss, for example, the differences in the definitions become quite clear.  My objective or goal is to lose 30lbs by the Summer; that’s measurable, realistic and definitive. My aims are to do this on an incremental basis by eating less but healthier food and exercising more.  Now I could aim to do this for a week but I couldn’t achieve my objective unless I aimed to keep up the regime for at least four months.  My aims help me to achieve my objective but they are more fluid; I might lose 1lb this week, 3lbs the next and none the week after and it might take me 6 months or even longer.  However long it takes and however I do it, once the 30lbs have gone, I will have achieved my objective, but I probably won’t achieve it if I forget, along the way, what it actually was.

 Let me illustrate it another way.  Imagine that you’ve decided to drive to a lake in a wood where you’ve never been before.  You’ve seen pictures of it and you know the general route and landmarks you should look out for.  You’re pretty sure that it will take you all day to get there, so you get everything ready to make the journey.

 In the first couple of hours you pootle along, singing along to the radio and generally enjoying yourself.  You stop for coffee and to look at the view, then you might unwrap your sandwiches and investigate some interesting buildings just off the road.  You spot an old friend en route and pull in for a chat.  Around tea-time, you realise that you’re not going to get there by nightfall and you panic.  What do you do?  Do you go home and decide to come back another time without deviating from the prescribed route?  Or do decide to stay where you are and press on again the next day?  Or do you keep going and decide that you’ll get there however late you might be?

 Tricky, isn’t it?  Or it is until you remember that you’re the one who set the objective in the first place, so you’re the only one who can change it or set the aims which will help you get there.  The biggest question you have to ask yourself is ‘how much do I want to get to the lake?’  If the answer is that it would have been nice but it’s not that important in the scheme of things, go home and think of another trip you’d really like to make.  Be honest with yourself, you're probably never going to see the lake but, hey, you'll make some other equally interesting trips. However, if the answer is that you want to see the lake more than anything in the world, then you have to keep going.  You may not be able to keep going right at that time – in fact, your personal circumstances might mean that you have to go home and set out another day – but the next time, you will have learned something about the journey and you’ll know what to do and what to avoid in getting there on time.

 Making resolutions is a lot like setting objectives.  Most people actually set themselves aims instead and don’t ask themselves how much they really want whatever it is they’ve decided on and then are surprised when they’ve fallen by the wayside by February 1^st.   Also, what they’ve decided they want may not be realistic for their time frame.  Most things boil down to perception but expecting to lose 30lb in a week isn’t going to happen, however much you visualise it!

 And, the hardest thing of all is to differentiate between what you think you really want and what you know you really need. Now that’s a whole different story, so watch this space…. 

Happy New Year!