Jane Wharam on......

Things to Do and Make

  We all have a list of ‘things to do’ don’t we?  Mine seems to get ever longer and lately I don’t seem to be doing so much of the crossing through, particularly of the things I need to do which are important to me and my development.  I’m sure that you know how it is when you just can’t settle to do something you really should do for yourself.  You find other things to fill the gap - ‘those drawers need turfing out.’ ‘I’ll just make the shopping list’ - or you find yourself staring into space, tea cold in the mug by your side.  I’ve been having a lot of those times lately and it’s as if I’m stuck.  I know what I need to do but I just can’t seem to get round to doing it.  Worse still, I make excuses as to why I can’t do it or I procrastinate and say ‘I’ll do that once I’ve done so and so’ but, of course, once ‘so and so’ is done, another excuse is made.  Why?  Is it a sort of sales prevention policy?   People laugh when I use the term ‘sales prevention’ but we’ve all met people who seem determined to ensure that you wouldn’t touch them or their products with a bargepole.  Well, at the moment, I’m Head of Sales Prevention for Jane Wharam Inc and it’s getting me down.

 I was thinking about it the other day and I realised that if a friend or colleague asked me to do any of these things for them, I wouldn’t hesitate and would probably do over and above what was needed in half the time they expected.  If I were busy, I’d make the time to see the task through and certainly wouldn’t be de-railed by the first obstacle I encountered.  For someone else, I can be champion, organisation personified and diplomatic to a fault but for me….  Now why is that?

 Hopefully, you’re not expecting an answer to the above, as I’m blowed if I know, as much as I tie my brain into knots pondering it!  I could say that it’s a lack of self-esteem, but, as an emotionally intelligent, self-aware person, I really don’t think that I suffer from that.  Or maybe it’s because I don’t take myself seriously enough – which, in my opinion, is a good thing.   Actually, if I’m honest, I think it’s because I’m too much of a perfectionist.  Because I can’t write like John Steinbeck, why bother writing at all?  Because I can’t name the Shadow Cabinet (I can’t, no use pretending I can), why have a strong political opinion?  Because my custard wasn’t Delia standard, forget ever making trifle again.  Because I don’t speak four languages fluently, why remember that I lived abroad? However, that way depression lies, so what I really must do to sort all of this out is to change the way I look at the situation.

 What I say in the EI book for times such as these is that I should try and pretend that I am my own best friend and ask for advice.  So, what would he or she say about this state of mind?  If I were counseling someone who poured out such a tale of woe to me, I would say that she should remember what she has achieved and what she does know and that, often, that is more than the average.  My problem there though is that I rarely compare myself with the average… Perhaps I should start, at least while I’m feeling low, as every journey starts with the first step.

 Talk amongst yourselves for a while…..  Right, I’ve given myself a good talking to, praised myself for what I have achieved, counted my blessings – sorry, I kept you longer than I thought I would - and am going to get on with that list.  Because now I know that I can.

Try To See It My Way?

Listening to Chris Evans' Breakfast Show  this morning, (sorry, can't help it, but I'm a fan!) I was struck by one of the regular slots called 'The Gobsmackers', where a listener chooses two songs, which mean a lot to them, for back to back play.  Today's songs were prefaced by Chris reading out the explanation for the choice of songs by the listener and it was evident that they were part of a campaign by this woman to get the man in her life to commit, tell her that he loves her or at least get in touch.  The songs were 'I Can't Make You love Me' by Bonnie Raitt and 'Call Me' by Blondie.  My heart went out to that poor girl, as she had answered her own question with her first choice of (brilliant, by the way) song.  And, if she realises that she can't make him love her, why does she want him to call?  Is it to torture herself or is it because she secretly believes that, one day, he'll realise that he's been wrong and that she is, after all, the best thing since sliced bread?  It is, of course, consciously the latter with more than a hint, subconsciously, of the former.

In my last blog 'Can Clowns Concur?' I explained how I came to the realisation recently that not everyone has the same point of view as I have.  This revelation came about after a particularly painful few years during which I felt strongly one way and couldn't accept that other people felt differently.  There was the man I loved who didn't love me (and never would) and the work colleagues who steadfastly refused to see how much value I could add if they just allowed me to work outside their strict parameters.  No matter how much I tried to change their minds, they just wouldn't and, if anything, moved further away from my point of view.  Of course, the more they did that, the harder I tried and so the more deeply they entrenched their views.  It became a vicious circle with me as the victim trapped within it.

So, how did I get off that circular, downward track and back on my own path? 

I stopped trying to change their minds and started looking at how to change my own.

Now I know that that is easier said than done; when one wants something as badly as this lady wants this man to love her, she will find it difficult to accept that he doesn't and move on but, until she does, she will always be the victim, as she circles around and around in a painful circle of her own making.  What she needs to do is walk away from that path and start on another one.  If the man really does love her, he will eventually engineer things so that his path is near hers.  If he doesn't, then she has at least shortened the time of pain for herself and is forging a better future for herself, albeit not the one she envisages now. 

As with writing, show, don't tell.  Allow people to see who you are and what you feel rather than beat them round the head with how perfect you are for them.  If they are mentally in the right space at the right time and don't have entrenched views either way, they'll come to realise that.  Give them a choice and take responsibility for your own. Of course, if you choose to keep beating your head against a particular brick wall, don't be surprised when a painful, nasty lump comes up on your forehead and blood trickles into your eyes.  When you choose to stop and the scars have healed, you'll wonder why you did it for so long. Really, you will.

And, of course, as I write, I’m trying to change your mind and deter you from one course of action and onto another one.  The more I go on, the more you’re refusing to listen…..  Do you see what I mean now?