A friend of mine did something that upset me the other day and I immediately expressed my hurt and disappointment. When he realised that what he’d done was not a good thing, instead of apologising, he made excuses for his behaviour and even tried to blame me, which was worse. I was then disappointed in him as a person and not just for the slip he had made. I thought, why could he not just say, “Sorry, I made an error of judgment. The fault is mine”? But then I cast my mind back over the times when I should have apologised to people and, instead, huffed, puffed and prevaricated, or worse, tried to pretend that it had never happened. ‘Sorry’ really does seem to be the hardest word. But why?
Is it because our sense of self worth is so fragile that to admit one mistake would shine a torch on so many more? Or because to apologise sincerely would mean that we would be putting ourselves at a disadvantage in a relationship? But surely we should all be apologising all the time, as none of us is perfect and we are constantly making mistakes in life. We are here, after all, to learn lessons and saying “sorry” has been one of the hardest for me. I used to find it incredibly hard to apologise, because to do so sincerely would have meant admitting that I had been wrong or done something thoughtless or unacceptable. I hope that these days I am better at it and apologise if you think I’m not!
One of the laws of the Universe is that we attract people who can teach us something or who, in turn need to be taught. Often, lately, I feel as if I am holding up a mirror to people who want to look in it. I also find myself drawn to people who can teach me by what they do – or don’t do – in life. I used to think that strength of character meant holding firm on all issues but I have come to realise that, in fact, more often than not, it means having the ability to bend. If you think in terms of us being like a tree, the ones which survive the wind and weight of snowfall are those with long, secure roots and trunks and branches which are flexible rather than rigid. If our own self-esteem is sufficiently well-rooted, we should have the capacity to know when we have been wrong and to apologise for our lapses. Then, having settled the matter, forget it and not have it hanging over the relationship, unspoken and unseen but dangerous. In the film ‘Love Story, ’the most memorable line is “Love means never having to say you’re sorry’” but that’s not true. People make mistakes and errors of judgment in every relationship and the feelings of hurt can be wiped away instantly with a heartfelt apology.
So, I would like to say ‘sorry’ to my young friend for being angry with him and, instead, thank him for the opportunity he gave me to examine my behaviour as well as his own. There, that wasn’t so hard after all….
