Jane Wharam on......

One For The Ladies - Or Is It?

Those of you who follow me on Twitter  - and, if not, why not?! – will know that I have been trying to get a debate going with my blogs.  It’s not so much that I think they merit discussion, just that so many of you e-mail or call me with your comments, all of which are thought-provoking, that I wish that the rest of my audience had access to them.  Some of you do post here, of course, and that’s wonderful, thank you.  But, anyway, I’ve decided to really stir it up with this one in the hope that you’ll take the time to comment in the public forum.

 My subject today is the general neediness of men – not bad for a first shot I thought!  And the reason I’ve chosen this is that, surprisingly, the majority of the readership here is male (no, I don’t know why either!) and so, rather than a sideswipe, this will, hopefully, contain some useful tips for our masculine friends about how we women think.  Warning!  The following piece contains gross generalizations, sweeping, unsupported statements of ‘fact’ and my own opinions, so please don’t read if you’re a man, have high blood pressure or no sense of humour – and certainly not if you’re a combination of all three…….

 The other day a friend of mine – let’s call her Sarah – confided that she thinks her husband is having an affair and asked for my advice.  Now Sarah is a lovely woman who has a career and a great brain as well as a knockout face and figure.  She’s certainly not the sort who’s let herself go or looked elsewhere for attention.  What she has done, however, is start to back away in self defence in the suspicion that her husband is straying.

 “Bad move, Sarah," I said to her. “What you should be doing is wooing him all over again because he’s feeling neglected and insecure.  Of course, he doesn’t realize that’s what he’s feeling because men don’t analyse their emotions like we do but, whereas a little boy will demand Mummy’s attention by throwing Teddy out of the pram, an adult male will get attention from the nearest female by other means.  If that female is also looking for attention, then the situation can easily escalate into an affair.  Neither party is necessarily really engaged by the other but, if the spouse handles it in the wrong way, then it can lead to the breakdown of the man’s marriage.” 

 “So you’re saying I should ignore it?” Sarah asked.

 “Yes” I said “but don’t just ignore ‘it’, actively lavish praise and attention on your husband however much you want to scream, lash out and withhold physical comforts.  He’ll feel so guilty, confused and flattered that ‘the other woman’ will pale into insignificance beside his gorgeous wife and mother of his children.  And once TOW is not getting the attention she was also seeking she’ll either drift away to more fertile pastures or will start to become difficult, which is the ultimate turn off.  Either way, you win.”

 Now you may be thinking that this isn’t the most emotionally intelligent response to a potentially serious situation but I would disagree.  To be serious for a moment, what you have to take into account is that people generally dislike change and this man in particular has a very cushy number; he’s just bored with his life and feeling a bit sorry for himself as he approaches mid-life.  He wants the reassurance that he is still attractive to women and a bit more attention than he’s getting at home.  All I’m suggesting to Sarah is that she should be the one to give him that reassurance and attention until he wises up to how good his life actually is with her by his side.  She just has to be emotionally  intelligent for both of them for a while.

 Now, where did I put my flak jacket……..?

My Inner Journey

I don't sleep as much as I used to - not deep sleep anyway - and when I wake up in the early hours, instead of allowing my mind to race around like a dog on a beach, I try and focus it on an inner journey. After ten minutes or so, I feel refreshed and energised and ready to face my day.  This is one of the journeys I take.

With my inner eyes I ‘see’ on every level and unlike with my external eyes, I can choose what I look at and how I feel when I look at it.  How do I explain?  Our language is awash with metaphors relating to sight.  It’s not surprising to me, as being able to see is the most important sense I possess.  Yes, I would miss smell, taste, touch and hearing but none would affect me so profoundly as not having my sight.

 However, with my mind’s eye all the senses become one through the medium of seeing.  When I go on that journey to the centre of my being I go with my inner eyes wide open.  Firstly, I see the landscape I have chosen to be in.  It doesn’t vary much.  I am either walking down a narrow path in a wood then going through a wooden door set in a wall into an open vista of green sward, edged by a bubbling stream, or I am standing in the shelter of some rocks at Cape Agulhas looking out at the vastness of the ocean and knowing that the only land ahead of me is the frozen majesty of Antarctica.

 Wherever I am, I begin with a panning camera and then start to focus on the smaller detail.  The beauty of the mind’s eye is that it has infinite settings and isn’t cursed with the myopeia my ‘real’ eyes have.  On the woodland path I see the smooth surface under my feet, the hidden roots shiny and brown under a thin layer of packed soil.  There are pale, green plants at the side of the path with bright orange, bud-like flowers and long, sharp leaves. My cat is with me and she walks in front of me, lazily twitching her magnificent, grey furry tail and I wonder at the fluid ease of her movement.  As I reach for the worn handle on the wooden, paint-chipped door, I see my hand, small and white with its translucent network of veins.  Then I am through the door and on the lush, green grass.  I look down and see the toes of my black shoes at the hem of my powder-blue, velvet dress and, as I approach the stream, I see that someone has thoughtfully laid out a ruby red cover on the grass, where the cat is now lying, eyeing me in that curious way cats have, with a mixture of disdain and adoration, her pupils narrowed in the bright sunlight.  I sit on the rug and look at the grass.  Each blade is so perfect and they are all the same length.  I see the earth between the blades and the tiny insects scurrying efficiently about their business.  Then I reach out and dip my hand in the cool, trickling stream.  The water feels silky smooth and enlivens me.  Little fish rush warily past but the weed is as lazy as the cat and sways slowly with every eddy of the water.  My fingers appear whiter and paler under the surface and I laugh at their disjointedness.  Lying on the rug, trailing my fingers in the stream, feeling the sun’s rays warm on my face, breathing deeply and slowly I look across at the distant hills and feel calm and relaxed.

 

 

 

 

 

Empty Nest, not Empty Life

I’ve always loved September.  This may be because it’s still warm during the day but cold enough in the evening to get cosy in front of the fire or it may be because I enjoyed school and this time of the year was when we started new things in familiar surroundings – a combination of trepidation and excitement, which is still alive in me today.  Whatever the reason, this is the time of year when we traditionally take stock and, for parents of a certain age, it is when our children go off to university, leaving us to start a whole new chapter in our lives.  In my book 'Emotional Intelligence: Journey to the Centre of your Self', I talk about using our new found freedom to re-discover what makes us tick. 

I’ve talked about the different roles we have in society in a previous blog and, for some parents, the fact that they don’t have children at home anymore can be unsettling, as they no longer have that focus in their daily lives.   If they’re lucky enough to be working, it’s not quite as bad, as they have something to concentrate on but if they’re not, this time can be very unhappy and can cause some to go off the rails.  I know that I did and was only brought back from the brink by returning to my ‘roots’ and re-discovering the essential me – and how to continue to be a parent but in a different way.

In the chapter on 'The Authentic Self', I say that 'We all started off with hopes and dreams but, unfortunately for most of us, life and ‘normality’ then came and got in the way. …. For many people, the conflict between the life they want and the life they lead creates constant anxiety, stress and even ill health'.  Many adults in middle age find that they have spent so long looking after their children, partners and friends that, when these 'distractions' are taken out of the equation, they don't quite know what they really want out of life.  And it is only by becoming self aware that we can find out what we need to make us happy in this new phase.

So how do we find out about ourselves and discover what we really want out of life, as opposed to what we're expected to want?  Well, I would recommend doing some of the following:

·       Make a list of things you’ve always wanted to do ‘when you had the time’

·       Go through the list and pick out what’s reasonably achievable

·       Start the ball rolling to accomplish the above – join the choir, car maintenance class, become a volunteer or whatever it is

·       Pat yourself on the back for doing something for yourself

·       Keep a journal of how you feel when you’re doing any of these things.  If they don’t make you feel good about yourself, stop doing them and try something else.

·       Don’t look back, look forward.  It’s very easy, when our children grow up and leave, to become maudling and too introspective.  There’s a tendency to bemoan the years that have gone by in a flash but that’s all the more reason to live every moment of the present.

·       Remember they haven’t gone forever and, just as you get used to finding the kitchen as you left it when you get home after work, they’ll be back with their washing and a whole new raft of friends for you to meet.

 Finally, remember that our role in our children’s lives is to be a guide and mentor, which we can be whether they’re in our physical presence or not.  If we’re demonstrating that we’re unhappy when they’re away, then we’re actually detracting from their own happiness and that’s not fair or right.  Of course they don’t want to think that we’re throwing celebratory parties because they’ve left home but they equally don’t want to picture you at home sitting by the ‘phone waiting for them to call and having no other stimulation in your life.  Yes, you’ll miss them – and probably more than they’ll miss you – but that’s normal.  Just do your ‘missing’ or crying in private and be upbeat when they call.  Remember when they first learned to ride a bike?  There was that magic moment when they thought that you were still holding the saddle and then off they pedaled, looking round in delight when they realized that they were actually doing it themselves.  It’s certainly a personal memory I will treasure all my life.  Going to university is much the same.  They need to feel the security that you’ll always be around to hold the saddle but they want to do the pedaling themselves.  Let them enjoy it and let them see the happy, essential, strong you, one of the people they love most in the world.