Jane Wharam on......

A Slice of My Life

I've been working on 'What Took You So Long?, today, which is autobiographical, and thought I'd  offer up this extract, as it mirrors a conversation I had recently with a very wise woman...

 'When my husband of 20 plus years left me nearly six years ago, I thought I was behaving absolutely normally.  Of course, it was a terrible shock – we’d been in a relationship for almost 30 years – but, as break ups go, it was OK.  I was in denial, of course but ... I felt so ‘fine’ about it that I was dating again myself within a few weeks and life carried on in a similar vein to how it had always been for several months.  With the benefit of hindsight, I now see that I didn’t give myself any time to mourn or to address the reasons why it had failed.  Initially I was pleased that I was being so ‘adult’ about the death of the relationship and didn’t see that I was trying to recreate it with someone else.  If my first boyfriend post the split had been amenable, I dare say that we would have been married by now and would, almost certainly, have lived to regret it.  As it was, he was scared off by my behaving like a wife and was, himself, laden with baggage, which I also came to realise is the lot of the newly bereaved, for want of a better word.  Anyway, he melted away to be replaced by another, who, although carrying more baggage than a bellhop, was keen to play at happy families too.  Fortunately, he was also disliked intensely by my friends and family, so, eventually, after a very distressing break up for both of us, there I was, two years down the line, bruised, battered, scared and alone again.

 No-one wants to feel rejected and I think that’s what makes us rush to find a replacement.  It’s to show that we’re worthy of being part of a couple and not some sad loner who can’t find a date.  That’s certainly how it was with me, anyway, and I tried everything to make someone love me, which, of course, is impossible, unless the other person is desperate too.  

  I remember reading an article many years ago, when I was at the peak of being married, about how it’s almost impossible to sustain only one relationship throughout a person’s adult life.  The writer advocated at least two long-term partners to reflect the stages that one goes through.  I can remember scoffing as I read it, secure in the knowledge that, despite the ups and downs we’d had, my husband would never leave me and I would never want to end up with anyone else, as our relationship wasn’t based on the fleeting nature of sexual love.  Now, of course, I see that she – I seem to remember it was a woman and probably one of about the age I am now -  was very much on my current wavelength. 

 It all boils down to priorities.  When children are young and vulnerable, top of a woman’s subliminal list a man who will be a protector and long term provider, which is, after all, why marriage was invented.  She needs the emotional time and space to devote herself to the children and will possibly have little time for the needs of the man.  This is why a lot of marriages founder in the first seven years, when there are young children on the scene and her partner is still in his sexual prime.  Then the children grow and become more interesting to the man in terms of education, fun activities and their own development, so that can be quite a stable period.  However, as the children grow and start their own adult lives, the woman starts to think of her own needs again and to remember what her dreams were when she was a youngster.  Her list of priorities changes and becomes more egocentric. Hopefully she still feels attractive and sexually active and looks to her partner for the excitement of their youth but, often, that has been replaced by habit and companionship.  If the man has hung around, he’s got used to the status quo and is probably happy to drift into old age together or, maybe he’s having his own mid-life crisis and is also looking for another partner – just not for a middle aged woman, which is what his wife has become.  In either case, the marriage is potentially in trouble, as one or both parties want something that the other can’t provide – or not obviously, anyway – and often it will break up.  Either party might turn to another partner or start a whole new internal life of their own, maybe pursuing a hobby or becoming immersed in learning.  Whichever route they take, this is when there is danger of the deserted partner becoming desperate for someone or anyone, as I mentioned earlier.

 And, when desperation strikes, common sense moves out.  I was certainly a living example of what not to do when recently divorced.  I hung my hat on more than one unsuitable peg and was then surprised when things didn’t work out. Of course, time plays its part, as middle age is full of reminders that we’re on the wrong side of halfway through our lives. As everything starts to drift South, some of us panic and feel that we need to ‘snare’ a partner while we still have some of our old allure but how far did that get us when we were younger?  Being older should also mean being wiser and we should realise that there is much more to a relationship than sexual attraction.  Most important is knowing what will make us feel great about ourselves and the choices we’ve made. And how glad am I now, when I finally do know what I want – and what I don’t - that I didn’t jump at the first opportunity on offer!  I just needed to get my list of priorities sorted to match where I am now, not where I used to be when I was married.

 It’s not a case of holding out in case there’s something or someone better still to come, it’s about going with the flow and not trying to make the pieces fit even when it’s obvious they never can.  It’s about not compromising on the ‘essentials’ list.  And, if you do meet someone, It’s about knowing that you could spend a week in a locked room with that person and not run out of conversation, laughter or mystery.  It’s about knowing that they want to be with you not feel that they have to be and about knowing that you would rather spend time with them doing the most mundane thing than being in the swankiest place in the world.  However, it’s also about knowing that, if you were in the swankiest place and they couldn’t be, they would be 100% behind you and your enjoyment of it.  Most importantly, it’s about knowing that, if no-one comes along who ticks all the boxes on your list, that’s fine too, as long as you’re happy.  Because, what I've come to realise is that my happiness is top of my list and everything else will flow from it.'

 

Picture This

When I had my spiritual awakening, I found out that two of the lessons I’m here to learn are patience and faith.  My faith in everything happening for the best gets stronger every day but I still struggle with patience.  As a natural ‘doer’, I find waiting for things to happen very frustrating, particularly if said thing is something I really want and can’t see any sensible reason why I shouldn’t have – so I’m not talking about winning the lottery!  This particular thing was well within my grasp but I just couldn’t achieve it and it had been driving me nuts for weeks and occupying my thoughts, when often, I should have been concentrating on something else.  Then, during a moment of quiet yesterday, the thought came to me to Google ‘making something happen’ and a site jumped out at me, which I’ll share with you here: www.abundanceandprosperity.com/abundance-and-prosperity/mastering-magick-art-making-happen   I followed the first two steps, that is deciding what I really wanted in that moment and then making a ‘vision board’ of the outcome I desired and, within five minutes, the thing I’d been wanting materialised, just like that!

Of course, I’m aware of the concept of asking the universe for what I want but it’s not something I’ve been practising for a while and so the manifestation of it working so spectacularly had a profound effect on me.  I laughed for about ten minutes and then set out to create more vision boards for other things I want to happen and I know that most of them will.

I say ‘most’ because I don’t believe you will get everything you visualize. Some things are not meant to be and don’t fit in with your purpose in life.  And the things that you want must be within the realms of the possible.  I’m never going to be a prima ballerina, for example but, if I really wanted to, I could be as fit and supple as it’s possible for a woman of my age to be.  The key, apart from following the steps Morgana Fae cites, is to really want whatever it is with the whole of your being and to know in your heart of hearts that there is no reason in the world why you shouldn’t have it.  In fact, when you are crafting your wish and thinking about the implications of making it happen, you may find that it’s not what you really want after all, just what you thought you did or what you thought you should have, which is very different.  Just be sure that, if doubts or reasons why you shouldn’t achieve such and such surface, they’re your reasons  (not excuses) and are coming from your inner being, not the mutterings of a critical voice belonging to someone else.

And, of course, you have to work with the universe to make things happen.  If we go back to my fitness regime, for example, I’m not going to get slimmer and healthier by drawing pictures of myself finishing a marathon; I also have to go out and train and eat nutritious food.  Remember that you have to want to achieve your goal with your whole being, which means mind, body and spirit. If there is any jarring between those three elements, then it just won’t work.

However, when everything is in alignment, then your thoughts and actions will just flow effortlessly and you will be living what was once just a picture

Communication Let Me Down

It has - many times.  But, of course, it wasn’t communication itself that let me down, but the way I communicated or the mindset of the person I was trying to communicate with that was at fault. 

 In my book, ‘Emotional Intelligence: Journey to the Centre of Your Self’ I pose the question ‘how often have you written a letter or email, which conveys everything you wanted to say, only to find that the recipient has picked up on a sentence in the first paragraph and ‘heard’ only that one thought?’  I suspect that your answer will be ‘many times’ and isn’t it frustrating?  You know what you want to say and you’re fairly certain that you’ve said it clearly but the listener or reader just doesn’t want to know. This might be because they don’t believe you, or they’re afraid of showing too much if they reply or maybe they’re not open-minded enough.  Whatever the reason, there are some people who won’t be convinced, no matter how hard you try.  I call it selective blindness – i.e they’re reading the words but not assimilating the meaning.  People like this often suffer from another ailment, - selective deafness - and in this state they only hear what they want to hear, or what they think you really mean, not what you’re actually saying.  A good example is when you mention once that you suspect their motives for doing something and they keep picking up on that, even though the ratio of the one negative comment to all the positive comments you’ve made could be a thousand to one!

 So, how do we communicate effectively?  Well, firstly, we open our minds, eyes and ears and concentrate.  Communication is a two way process – even when writing this I have to be mindful of my audience – and both parties need to be primed, if possible.  You’re already displaying elements of being ready to receive, as you’ve got this far!  In a more ‘normal’ situation, however, apart from using the words and body language you need to get your message across, you also have to bear in mind the mood, intelligence, education and receptiveness of the person you’re speaking or writing to.  If they’re angry – about something in particular or even generally – you have to temper your message with soft words and gestures or even humour.  If they’re pre-occupied, you have to ensure that they are actually listening and if they’re not and you can’t get them to concentrate too, leave it, as you’ll get nowhere.  If you have to continue the conversation, in a work situation for example, get their attention by talking about what interests them and then bringing in the message you need to convey.  Just make sure that they’ve really heard you by asking them to repeat the important parts.  As any salesman will tell you, this is called clarification and it’s the sign of a good salesman that they use their ears as often as, if not more than, their mouths.

 Here are some dos and don’ts about communicating effectively face to face:

 Do:

• Be aware of your body language - words only account for 7% of communication
• Appear receptive – i.e. don’t fold your arms - and adopt an open stance
• Look interested – maintain eye contact and turn towards the other person
• Build rapport – smile and subtly  ‘mirror’ the person you are speaking with (not to or at!)
• Clarify what the other person has said, as it shows you’re really listening
• Be appropriate to the situation – i.e don’t flirt with your boss (no, really!)
• Use touch as a means of communication - when appropriate.  Most women complain that their partners aren’t tactile enough for example

Don’t :

• Invade the other person’s space – unless invited – and even then, only if appropriate
• Be inconsistent in your body language and what you’re saying verbally
• Be thinking about anything other than the discussion, as it will show and will come across as insincerity
• Manipulate or try to pass the blame – i.e. ‘you made me really angry’’ No they didn’t.  You chose to be angry at what they did.  Be accountable for how you feel.

 And, in written communication, the mantra is ‘read it, read it again, re-read it and edit it and, if in doubt, particularly if you’re angry, hurt or upset, sleep on it, read it again in the morning and, quite possibly, don’t send it at all.  Just getting it off your chest onto paper might have done the trick.  Don’t let communication let you down – let it lift you up.

A Sign of the Times?

There’s the story of the pious man who was trapped in his house during a flood.  The rain was lashing down and the house was gradually being engulfed by the rising water, forcing the man higher and higher up the house until he's on the roof.  Once they realised their predicament, all of the man’s neighbours were saved by some means or another but, despite being offered refuge in a jeep, then a boat and finally a helicopter, the man was eventually drowned, as he kept refusing the help, saying, “I don’t need this earthly intervention. God will rescue me!”  When he arrived in Heaven and came in front of the Lord, the man was indignant and said, “God, I believed in you!  Why didn’t you save me from the flood?”  to which God replied, “I sent you a jeep, then a boat and finally a helicopter, what more could I do?”

 Now, as you’ll know, I’m not a religious person, per se but I do believe in a divine being, consciousness or creator, call it what you will, and I now know that we all have signs and helpful people put in front of us all the time.  Our situation may not be as grave as the drowning man’s but in any new set of circumstances we need to keep our eyes – and, more importantly, our minds – open to the signposts along the way.  These signposts can be as small as not being able to get through to someone on the ‘phone and later discovering that the conversation would have been a bad plan anyway, or, as big as missing an appointment and whilst feeling miserable at the bus stop on your way home, meeting the person who will take you on a whole new path in life.  The trick is to be open enough to actually recognise them as significant and apply the lesson they’re teaching.  If we’re open and flexible enough to read the signs properly, we can undergo a life-changing experience.  If we’re drifting away from our reason for being here, the universe will keep putting these pointers and people in our path until we either see them and change direction or sink deeper and deeper into our rut.

 For example, do you need to slow down in your daily life or devote more time to yourself instead of constantly running around after everyone else?  If you persist in this and keep denying yourself the care and attention you need, eventually you will be stopped in your tracks by something too big to ignore.  This happened in my own life – as one friend put it, I experienced a number of almighty, cosmic pokes in the ribs.  If it hadn’t been for those virtual kicks up the backside I would have carried on, blind and deaf to my purpose in life and certainly wouldn’t be as happy and fulfilled as I am now.  I no longer try to make circumstances fit my plans but adapt my plans to fit my new circumstances.  It certainly makes life a lot more interesting and yet much calmer.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t have goals, just that I recognise that what I want may not be what I need or that my time frame isn’t realistic and I still have things to learn.  I still wonder at times how everything is going to turn out for the best  - as I believe it will – but I do now accept that potentially the most unlikely set of circumstances will provide the best outcome.  And, while I believe that our souls are as important as our bodies, I accept that we are living on an earthly plane and have earthly considerations.  Put it this way, if the water reaches head height, I’ll be on that helicopter!

Fit For Purpose

What’s your purpose in life? Sorry if that’s a bit heavy for this time of day but it’s a question that has to be asked. A lot of us ‘fall into’ a life, sleepwalk through it and only realise that we don’t know why we’re here when it’s too late. We go through education, acquire partners and maybe have children. One day we look in the mirror and wonder who the old person is looking back at us. If, by that time, we’ve retired, what do we do with ourselves all day? If we’re lucky and know ourselves, we find out what we need in life to make us happy. There are many routes to fulfillment. Some people need to be loved, some to be acknowledged, some to prove something to themselves and some, just to be needed. It actually doesn’t matter what it is that pushes your buttons, as long as it’s legal and doesn’t hurt anyone else. What matters is that you know what it is that you need and that you have a means of achieving it. People high in Emotional Intelligence are self aware and know what makes them happy. They keep their minds and bodies as healthy as they can as they get older and carry on doing the things which interested them outside of work. That could be going to the gym, playing Scrabble, doing crosswords or singing. Or, as an extreme example, they could be like the 80 year old Australian who, having had to be rescued after a failed ski jump recently, said that he carried on skiing because ‘life’s too short.’ Whatever it is that we love doing, why not keep doing it as long as we’re able? Or take up new hobbies; become a silver surfer, read all the books you never had time to or join a group of people with similar interests. It’s your life and no-one else can live it for you, nor can you live through someone else. Whatever your purpose, keep it in mind – and live it!

Money Matters

Unfortunately, it does, as none of us can get anywhere without it, nor very far with only a short supply of it.  And, in the current crunch, recession, depression or whatever you want to call it, more and more of us are having to make do with less and less.

Emotional Intelligence means being clear eyed about one’s financial situation.  In fact, an emotionally intelligent person will either have been exercising moderation before the recession bit, so will now be on the ‘managing’ side of broke or, having experienced the full brunt of the financial tsunami, will be picking him or herself up and planning for the upturn.

So why should a person high in EI cope better than a person who lacks it?  We’ve already established that EQ isn’t related to IQ, so it can’t be that.  Well, it boils down to communication and perception.  Someone who has a higher EQ will have spoken to his or her creditors at the earliest opportunity and arranged a repayment plan, which reflects his or her new financial situation.  They certainly won’t have stuck their head under the duvet and hoped it would all go away.  They will also be realistic about what they need to live in these straightened times, not about what they want in an ideal world.  That way of living has gone and may not come back and the EI savvy type knows that, to be happy, we have to live in the present.  They will be creative in making ends meet, maybe reading the numerous money saving tips around at the moment, cooking from scratch instead of buying ready made meals or takeaways and looking for jobs on-line rather than buying newspapers and magazines.  They will realize that being healthy and having solid relationships is much more important than how much money they have in the bank, nice though that is.  They will just be plain happier and therefore more able to cope with what life throws at them.

Most importantly, they will know themselves and will be secure in their self-image.  They will know that they're not defined by the job they once had or the lifestyle they once led.  People high in EQ are the mothers of reinvention and will be able to carve out a new niche for themselves, even if it is very different from the one they had.  They are able to move forward, not stay tethered to the past.  And, they'll do all this with a smile on their face, because they will know that 'this too will pass' or, as my Dad you used to say, "the smoke will go up the chimney just the same".  Think about it.....