I've been working on 'What Took You So Long?, today, which is autobiographical, and thought I'd offer up this extract, as it mirrors a conversation I had recently with a very wise woman...
'When my husband of 20 plus years left me nearly six years ago, I thought I was behaving absolutely normally. Of course, it was a terrible shock – we’d been in a relationship for almost 30 years – but, as break ups go, it was OK. I was in denial, of course but ... I felt so ‘fine’ about it that I was dating again myself within a few weeks and life carried on in a similar vein to how it had always been for several months. With the benefit of hindsight, I now see that I didn’t give myself any time to mourn or to address the reasons why it had failed. Initially I was pleased that I was being so ‘adult’ about the death of the relationship and didn’t see that I was trying to recreate it with someone else. If my first boyfriend post the split had been amenable, I dare say that we would have been married by now and would, almost certainly, have lived to regret it. As it was, he was scared off by my behaving like a wife and was, himself, laden with baggage, which I also came to realise is the lot of the newly bereaved, for want of a better word. Anyway, he melted away to be replaced by another, who, although carrying more baggage than a bellhop, was keen to play at happy families too. Fortunately, he was also disliked intensely by my friends and family, so, eventually, after a very distressing break up for both of us, there I was, two years down the line, bruised, battered, scared and alone again.
No-one wants to feel rejected and I think that’s what makes us rush to find a replacement. It’s to show that we’re worthy of being part of a couple and not some sad loner who can’t find a date. That’s certainly how it was with me, anyway, and I tried everything to make someone love me, which, of course, is impossible, unless the other person is desperate too.
I remember reading an article many years ago, when I was at the peak of being married, about how it’s almost impossible to sustain only one relationship throughout a person’s adult life. The writer advocated at least two long-term partners to reflect the stages that one goes through. I can remember scoffing as I read it, secure in the knowledge that, despite the ups and downs we’d had, my husband would never leave me and I would never want to end up with anyone else, as our relationship wasn’t based on the fleeting nature of sexual love. Now, of course, I see that she – I seem to remember it was a woman and probably one of about the age I am now - was very much on my current wavelength.
It all boils down to priorities. When children are young and vulnerable, top of a woman’s subliminal list a man who will be a protector and long term provider, which is, after all, why marriage was invented. She needs the emotional time and space to devote herself to the children and will possibly have little time for the needs of the man. This is why a lot of marriages founder in the first seven years, when there are young children on the scene and her partner is still in his sexual prime. Then the children grow and become more interesting to the man in terms of education, fun activities and their own development, so that can be quite a stable period. However, as the children grow and start their own adult lives, the woman starts to think of her own needs again and to remember what her dreams were when she was a youngster. Her list of priorities changes and becomes more egocentric. Hopefully she still feels attractive and sexually active and looks to her partner for the excitement of their youth but, often, that has been replaced by habit and companionship. If the man has hung around, he’s got used to the status quo and is probably happy to drift into old age together or, maybe he’s having his own mid-life crisis and is also looking for another partner – just not for a middle aged woman, which is what his wife has become. In either case, the marriage is potentially in trouble, as one or both parties want something that the other can’t provide – or not obviously, anyway – and often it will break up. Either party might turn to another partner or start a whole new internal life of their own, maybe pursuing a hobby or becoming immersed in learning. Whichever route they take, this is when there is danger of the deserted partner becoming desperate for someone or anyone, as I mentioned earlier.
And, when desperation strikes, common sense moves out. I was certainly a living example of what not to do when recently divorced. I hung my hat on more than one unsuitable peg and was then surprised when things didn’t work out. Of course, time plays its part, as middle age is full of reminders that we’re on the wrong side of halfway through our lives. As everything starts to drift South, some of us panic and feel that we need to ‘snare’ a partner while we still have some of our old allure but how far did that get us when we were younger? Being older should also mean being wiser and we should realise that there is much more to a relationship than sexual attraction. Most important is knowing what will make us feel great about ourselves and the choices we’ve made. And how glad am I now, when I finally do know what I want – and what I don’t - that I didn’t jump at the first opportunity on offer! I just needed to get my list of priorities sorted to match where I am now, not where I used to be when I was married.
It’s not a case of holding out in case there’s something or someone better still to come, it’s about going with the flow and not trying to make the pieces fit even when it’s obvious they never can. It’s about not compromising on the ‘essentials’ list. And, if you do meet someone, It’s about knowing that you could spend a week in a locked room with that person and not run out of conversation, laughter or mystery. It’s about knowing that they want to be with you not feel that they have to be and about knowing that you would rather spend time with them doing the most mundane thing than being in the swankiest place in the world. However, it’s also about knowing that, if you were in the swankiest place and they couldn’t be, they would be 100% behind you and your enjoyment of it. Most importantly, it’s about knowing that, if no-one comes along who ticks all the boxes on your list, that’s fine too, as long as you’re happy. Because, what I've come to realise is that my happiness is top of my list and everything else will flow from it.'