Jane Wharam on......

A lot of people have asked me why I wrote the EI book. Here's why..

In 2007 I was at a very low ebb - to put it mildly.  My husband of 22 years had left me a couple of years before and a relationship I'd gone into (on the rebound, with the benefit of hindsight) had just ended absolutely disastrously.  I'd lost my house, my car, a lot of my accumulated 'stuff' , a huge chunk of my self-esteem and, during all this I'd been hospitalized, nearly died, sat on an NHS  waiting list for 7 months feeling like a whale and finally had a hysterectomy, which developed complications during my convalescence.  I couldn't work and was self-employed, so had no money.  Consequently, I was on benefits for the first time in my life.  I must have experienced every so-called negative emotion there is!

 In the end, I had nowhere to go but inside myself and I finally made friends with myself again and became much more self-aware, which strengthened my relationships with other people and helped me have the confidence to widen my circle.  Through a new contact I started investigating Emotional Intelligence and it all sort of clicked because EI is all about being aware of one's own emotions, managing and motivating oneself and then being able to manage and motivate other people.   I basically wanted to help people avoid the traps I'd fallen into or, if in them already, get out of them quicker than I had done.

 So I wrote the book -  'Emotional Intelligence: Journey to the Centre of Your Self'’  - which O Books is bringing out in July.  Ascot Media, the PR company I'm using in the States has the following to say about it: 

'How we relate to ourselves and others in general is a good indication of whether or not we have the ability to live balanced, genuine and happy lives.  Jane Wharam’s latest book ... is really all about finding yourself so that you can relate to others.  ...... Her gift to her readers will be the benefit of her journey of discovery, without their having to endure some of the depths of despair that she experienced along the way. 

 Wharam believes that to harbor regrets and go through life saying “what if” is not only non-productive but just plain sad!  Using her own experiences as a guide, she shows how to forgive oneself and shake off the hold that regrets have on us - and she does so brilliantly with wit and humor, albeit sometimes dark, to deal with attitudes in the face of adversity.    The author’s book is a layperson’s guide to emotional intelligence using real, down-to-earth examples in an approachable style , with EQ testing and practical exercises and visualizations to help the reader think emotionally – and cope better with stress, anger and change.  Her motto of “every day is a gift” is reflected in how she now lives her life every day.  There is something of value to be learned by all of us in her writing and humorous anecdotes.' 

Which is all very lovely, but all I really want to do is to get the message across that life is what we make it and how we look at it, that we are all diamonds, even if in the rough, and that we are worth being treated and treating ourselves well. 

So now you know..... 

Communicating With Others and Building Rapport

This is an extract from my book 'Emotional Intelligence: Journey to the Centre of Your Self' and is in the 'Exercises' section.  

 It is almost certain that your relationships are the most important things in your life, whoever they are with. In a life filled with values, the measure of success should be on relationships and not material wealth or business success. Effective communication with oneself and others is what Emotional Intelligence is all about.  The following exercises will help you to communicate better:

 

When asked a question or when tempted to have your say in any interaction, count to 10 first

Only say positive things but stay truthful. If asked ‘Does my bum look big in this?’ and it does, either suggest another outfit or, if the bum in question is going to look big in anything, draw attention to how much the colour suits her.

Smile as much as you can without looking freaky. Your body language is more important than what you say, remember.

Wear  ‘approachable’ colours. Black looks professional but it can also be off-putting. Try blues and greens for a change.

Initiate conversation. There’s always the weather! The other person may be keen to talk but be even more scared than you are.

 

Do the above for a week and write down your results in your EI journal. You will be amazed at how much better people are responding to you. Like attracts like and if you give off  ‘prickly’ that is what you’ll attract. Conversely, give off open and friendly and that is what you’ll attract.

 

If you’re having trouble with a relationship and you want to repair it, try the following:

 

• Be direct and ask for what you want out of the relationship. The other person my be oblivious to the fact that you would like to see more (or less) of them and would like the same only you were both too scared to say so. People appreciate honesty much more than we give them credit for. 

• Close both eyes. There was a family saying that to make a friend you should close one eye to their faults and to keep a friend, you should close both. It’s very apt. What we’re saying is that no-one is perfect and, even if they are, they aren’t going to perfectly meet our expectations. For example, you might think that you’re careful with money, maybe because it was in short supply when you were younger. To you it is a virtue, while to someone else you might just be a tightwad. It doesn’t mean to say that they don’t want to spend time with you, just that it is one of your characteristics and they have to accept it if they want to keep you as a friend. Always try and make allowances for other people’s motivations. There are always two sides in any relationship. It just comes back to your perceptions.

• Don’t allow grievances to fester, as they can grow over time. Once you have both calmed down, look at what caused the disagreement and then apologise for your part in it. If you really and truly are in no way to blame (which is unlikely, even if the blame could have been a perception by the other person) then state your case clearly and non-judgmentally in writing. It is up to you whether you send the letter. Sometimes even the act of writing everything down helps you to get a clear perspective. If you feel that the differences are too big to overcome then cut your ties, if you can, and put the relationship behind you. It is impossible to put a relationship in the past if you harp on about it, discuss it with other friends or colleagues or don ‘t forgive the other person, so don’t be surprised in those circumstances to find it holding you back. But, remember that everything happens in small steps. You are not going to forget a lover, old friend or family member overnight, so don’t be hard on yourself when you can’t.

• Treat people with respect. If you do what you say you are going to do, don’t betray confidences and don’t let people down at the last minute, then they will respect you and want to be your friend. Also, remember that family members should be accorded the same respect. Just because he’s your brother, it doesn’t give you the right to treat him badly.

If you would like to read more from the book, pre-order a copy from Amazon using ISBN number 978-1-84694-187-0

 

 

Role Play

I recently had a conversation about how many of us define ourselves by our relationships to another person or people, not as an individual. That led me to think about what another friend said, as if stating the obvious, that 'no-one wants to be on their own.' And I wondered, why not?  What is so dreadful about being on one's own that makes many of us need to be with someone, anyone, rather than be alone?.  Is it, as Maslow suggests, that we have to have the comfort of society and belonging before we can truly move on to the next level of existence?  If we have no-one, can we truly allow ourselves to flower and be happy?  And, if, as I believe, our common purpose is to be happy, is being 'with' someone vital to the full expression of that happiness?

I do agree with Maslow when he says that security is one of our basic needs but I fear that we look for it everywhere but where we should, within ourselves.  We try to find the safety net from which we can launch our inner being in our relationship with a lover, parent, friend, boss or possessions but, if it is only that given role which defines us, how can we truly know that we are happy with and in ourselves? Once the security of that definition is stripped away, is what is left, the inner person who is left, a happy being? In many cases, no. Once my friend lost his lover, money and job, he lost the whole fabric of his existence and no longer had any definition. He looked everywhere but into himself and found the nothing that was left externally. Without a given role he was lost, felt he had no purpose and wasn't secure enough in his internal landscape to build his own safe house and decide on his own role in life.

So, if we are defined by the roles society gives us and wake up one day to find that we have don't have one left, does that mean that we cease to be?  Sadly, for a lot of people, the answer is yes.  How many men die shortly after retiring?  Is the spate of suicides in the young because they don't yet have a pro-active role and are afraid that they don't know what the definition of it will be?  Roles give us structure, parameters, responsibility and, most of all, security.  Within our role, whatever that might be, we are needed and have an external purpose.  As an employee we know that we have to be at our desk or in our meeting by 9.00 and give our employer a solid 37 hours a week in return for our pay.  As a parent, we have to make sure that our child is fed and clothed, in school on time, loved and nurtured.  As a wife or husband we are there to give support, sexual comfort, and contribute to our partner's emotional well-being.  But, what if we don't have any of those responsibilities?  What if our children are grown, our partner gone and our job done?  How then do we 'fill our days', as I was asked?

If, like my friend, we cannot create our own inner purpose and definition, then what do we do?  A lot of people attach themselves to another person's life and take on the role that is written for them within it.  If, for whatever reason, they can't do that, they carry on existing.  They may end up living vicariously, acting their supporting part in someone else's play and taking some comfort in their existence in that way, but is existence enough?

Not for me; I want to live my life with a capital L, define my own role and write my own script, not play the part someone else gives me. I want to and often do treat myself as I were my best friend, lover, parent and child.  I give myself permission to play, grieve, laugh, be serious, indulged, spiritually nourished and loved.  As the years go by, I find increasingly that I am my own comfort zone and have managed to build my own safe house inside myself. I am now the place that I run back to for security, strength, comfort and joy.  Yes, I can, and do, find those things with other people but I don't define myself by my relationships with them. I write my roles for myself.

How to find your perfect partner - a watery tale

You have to find yourself first.  That may seem like an obvious thing to say but many people who are in relationships have no idea of who they are or what they want. Quite often, the relationship ‘just happened’ and became a habit.  It usually starts with the prehistoric response – i.e ‘that guy looks as if he’d make strong babies and keep us safe’ or ‘that woman looks like she could bear me children and keep my genes going’.  We don’t think that consciously of course, as there are many people out there looking who don’t want or are past having children or don’t want a lover of the opposite sex but you get my drift.  Then, if the partnership lasts longer than the first sexual encounter, society, analysis and ‘baggage’ often kick in.  Is it ‘time’ to get married, have babies or throw out the little black book?  And there are always the people who just can’t seem to function unless they are one part of a couple.  It comes back to feeling safe;  if you’re not secure in yourself, like yourself or enjoy your own company, it just seems safer to be ‘partnered’, as the other person can do all those things for you ‘I must be a nice person because so and so tells me she loves me. I don't have to worry about what I think about myself.’ 

 Think of a relationship in terms of pieces in a jigsaw puzzle.  There is the saying ‘two halves of the same whole’.  But they’re not two halves with smooth, dovetailed joints; the edges are more like the coast of Norway.  So, when the ‘two halves’ come together, at first the fit is great because most of the inlets are filled by the other’s landmass and vice versa.  Then, when the love mist lifts, the bits that don’t fit become more apparent, so that, eventually, there are gaping holes where you can fall through into the icy water or start to feel the dull ache of rock chafing against rock.  Or, eventually, if it goes on for a long time, just like Gondwanaland the two land masses float away from each other, with their own shore line irrevocably changed by the other’s presence.

So, you're single and you’re determined to enter a ‘state’ - i.e. a monogamous relationship, marriage, cohabitation or parenthood - just make sure that you’re doing it for the right reasons and with the right person. Making someone fit the template you have in your head is like the Ugly Sister who cut off her heel so that her foot would fit into the glass slipper.  It works, after a fashion, and the cut can eventually heal but is it really worth the pain that will inevitably follow?  You have to want the person, not the state – i.e. ‘I want to marry Tom because I respect, admire and love him as the person he is’, not ‘I want to be married and Tom’s there.’ or ‘Tom would make a great father and all my friends have babies.'

I will always remember a friend talking to me shortly after my marriage broke up. He had been through a similar experience and he described it as like being on a large ship.  For whatever reason the ship goes down and everyone is thrown into the water.  Initially you’re swimming frantically and you eventually haul yourself onto the first life raft you find, which might contain friends or a lover.  Being on the raft helps you to catch your breath, think and plot a course but you need to keep in mind that what you’re heading for is dry land.  When you get back in the water, as you should or you won’t have properly dealt with the shipwreck, you may need to rest several more times on different rafts until you reach the shore but the shore should always be your destination. 

What I understood when my friend told me this story  - and I'm a slow learner, as that was five years ago! - was that the shore was my perfect lover but I now know that the shore is actually me and it is on that land that I will find my partner, if by that time that's what I want to happen, as he has also reached it, albeit via a different route.

Which brings me back to love because, despite my sometimes cynical viewpoint and fairly disastrous history, I believe in it. And it brings me back to you, for you are, if you’re reading this, presumably in between rafts.  How do you know whether you’ve found the person you’ve been looking for?  And, if you think that you’ve found them, what do you love about them?  What makes you want to be with them and only them?  Is it because of what and how they are, or how you want them to be once you’ve changed them?  Is it that their absence in your life would leave a hole no-one else could fill or is it because they're nice to you/rich/say they love you?  If it’s the former, invite me to the wedding, if the latter, don’t do it, please.  Think about that last question; imagine your life without them - what would you miss?  If it's their unique, non-material contribution to your life, hang on to them and just hope that they feel the same way about you.  If all you would miss are things you can do for yourself - i.e. respect, love, sex, money or security then please get back in the water and enjoy the swim until you find your shore. Use the time to find out what you love about yourself, find out what makes you happy, experience that happiness and then, when you get to the beach, watch as people who really do resonate with you appear out of the tree line, as they surely will.