Those immortal lines coming from an episode of Fawlty Towers, of course, when Basil appeared to be harking back to a time - presumably pre-Sybil - when he had been happy; the implication being that her presence prevented him from being happy now. But, while we laughed at the idiotic Basil and his ranting, pompous hapless antics, we didn't seem to notice that he epitomised a way of being exhibited by many of us- i.e. that his mood or well-being was a direct reaction to the mood or actions of someone else. Which is a shame.
A friend called me the other day to say that she is reading my book 'Emotional Intelligence: Journey to the Centre of Your Self' and had been aware of a light bulb moment' when reading page 56, (yes, she could name the page, which is more than I could!) where I say that 'if you push the responsibility for an action onto the other person, then you aren't taking control and you can't be free.' What I was talking about was the choice we all have to take control of our own moods and emotions. Take responsibility for how you feel. Yes, someone else's words and actions might be unkind but that doesn't necessarily mean that you should feel upset or angry. You can choose to feel those things but it's not compulsory.
So, feel the happiness welling up from inside yourself, not flowing from someone else. They're them and you're you and however close you are to them, you can't be them, nor should you allow them to control how you feel. If some people bring you down, avoid them. If you live with them go for a walk or think about how much you want that situation to continue. Seek out the company of people who allow you to be and don't try and impose their own black moods on you. Make 'happy' your current choice, not a distant memory.
Jane,further to "happy,? oh I remember that" ,I thought I would share with you conversation with a good friend of mine,who, like Basil, is also a hotelier.
Eddy runs a small hotel in the Italian ski resort of La Thuile and can be a little Basil-like himself!
When, one day we got onto the subject of what makes us happy ,he was pleased to share his views on the subject.Eddy maintained that our well being is all to do with the flow of energy to and from individuals and the environment.
He went on to say that my frequent visits to La Thuile were because it was possible that I drew strength from the surrounding mountain environment and thas was reinforced by the fact that I spent my holidays there with people who themselves, either gave me energy,or with whome I was happy to share my energy in a mutually beneficial way.
He went on to say that those that we love ,can sometimes drain energy from us but that we allow this because that we love them,while we avoid at all costs those whome we deem unworthy.The latter may even include close family members.
This is I agree an unusual way to explain how we feel,however I am beginning to see patterns in my behavior which would back this up.Hope you found this interesting ,best regards,Simon down under.
Posted by: Simon Rowe | 02/15/2011 at 02:41 AM
Hi, Simon
I tried to comment earlier but the system wouldn't let me in, sorry. I was going to say that your friend is spot on and my tips, to recharge the batteries, are to be in nature, be alone and mix with positive, rather than negative, people. If you allow people to feed off your energy, it just leaves you feeling depleted. Of course, some people need bolstering at times, just don't let it always be you who feeds them and don't let them drain you.
And keep skiing!
Jane
Posted by: Jane | 02/15/2011 at 05:00 PM
Research supports the findings that 50% of our happiness is genetic, set at birth, 10% is dictated to by external events and the great news is 40% is in our control to develop. Psychology historically used to focus on the illness aspect of unhappiness, though there is now a growing interested in positive psychology, why are happy people happy ? If your interested in developing the 40% of your happiness open to you, I'd suggest that "The How of Happiness" (Sonja Lyubomirsky) is a very user friendly place to start.
Simon
Posted by: Simon Barnes | 03/05/2011 at 10:30 AM
It sounds interesting, Simon. But I would take issue that the 10% is 'dictated by external events', as even though we can't change them, it is in our power to control how we view those events. So I would say that we have control over at least half! But then I'm a 'glass half full' kind of girl....
Thanks so much for taking the time to write.
Posted by: Jane | 03/07/2011 at 10:57 AM